I was always a withdrawn person form intimacy and warmth in relations, at that time it was my way of disconnecting and detaching afraid of being hurt.
What I learned later is depriving your self the joy of expressing your emotions and being a warm person is far more painful than any hurt coming your way.
At times I didn’t feel human, I used to think of my self as emotionless and cold, I even had an expressionless face most of the time except for the lonely look that accompanied me for long.
As the years passed I piled up a huge inventory of suppressed emotions struggling to surface and drowned in silence frequently, till I started wondering who am I really and being a stranger even from my self.
Studying Reiki helped release that inventory a bit, along came detachment, the proper way.
As the philosopher Osho suggests in one of his books, to close your eyes and detach your self completely from all your surrounding, notice what would happen? Every thing will stay the same, life goes on with you or without you, and that was the first step on the road. Realizing that and believing it empowered me to look deep into my self , wondering where do I stand in life and among the people I know, observing my reactions, my thoughts, my feelings and making friends with the inner me for the first time.
After months of observing and analyzing I started to feel elevated with a new sensation that sent my spirit high up in the sky while walking on soft embracing grounds, the love that filled me and poured out like a fountain cured my loneliness and fear of intimacy.
Suddenly I fell in love with the whole universe, and had affection for every living and non living god created, and a passion to pass on that love to all, planet earth, trees, flowers, my Sofa, my friends and all the individuals I meet.
I felt an urge to hug them all, rather than handshaking only like before, and what a surprise I found; how those warm sincere hugs touched the inside of people much deeper than X-rays can, some cry, some cling on to me not wanting to let go, some look back in gratitude beyond the expression of words, and the more I hug the bigger that love grows and blossoms like an ever fruitful tree nurtured by the bless of giving and comforting others, and self healed by sharing that bless with the whole universe which hugs me back and comforts me every time I donate one.
I began to hear comments like: you look much younger, or you look different, or what have you done to your face, and your eyes look different. I even noticed arms opening to me before I do, as if it showed on my face that I had pouring love to share, and they all wanted their share which I would willingly give with a lot of gratitude for finally realizing the secret of renewed self empowering and the joy of being fearless of opening up to love and allowing the light to pour in and fill me up over and over again.
Feeling and giving love is the key to true happiness.
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